The Easier Way To Face Difficult Talks

by Ray B Williams

Many managers have faced this scenario: you're pacing the floor, your stomach is doing flip-flops, you are playing out scenarios in your mind that seem like your worst nightmare. Before lunch, you must force yourself to have one of the toughest conversations in business: "You're fired!" or "I want a raise in salary," or "I've made a terrible error," or "I can't do this work."
Any of these conversations would make most people's blood pressure rise. But what's worse is, most don't know how to begin the conversation.

One of the most popular elective courses at Harvard Law School is the Negotiations Workshop, which focuses on how to conduct yourself in difficult conversations. Workshop directors, Bruce Patton and Doug Stone co-authored "Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss the Undiscussable." They concluded that difficult conversations put you on the defensive. Your job, they contend, is to switch to the positive or proactive and work toward a solution that satisfies both sides. To do this, you must understand four truths of difficult conversations:

Truth 1: Straying from the real issue will sabotage your purpose. For example, asking for a raise in salary. If you were defensive, you may be thinking, "I've done well, although my boss has not been happy with my latest project or work, so I shouldn't upset him with a request." If you were proactive, you should think: "I don't have to be perfect to ask for a raise. I will use an objective standard of my overall work over a period of time."

Truth 2: The future is more important than the past. For example, if you've made an error in your work. If you are defensive, you may think, "I've blown it and been called on the carpet. Now what can I do?" If you are proactive, refocus your conversation with your boss on the future, and how you'll prevent that mistake from happening again.

Truth 3: There is no anesthesia for the pain of a difficult conversation. For example, you have to fire someone. If you are defensive, you feel awful about it, and you're looking for something to make the employee feel better. If you're proactive, it's not your job to persuade the employee that things will get better. Your job is to let him/her go. You can't take responsibility for the employee's feelings.

Truth 4: Defending the weak parts of our argument is a waste of time. For example, "I can't do this work." If you're defensive, fear underlies all difficult conversations. People re afraid of sharp rebuttals and an argument's repercussions. If you're proactive no one is completely right or completely wrong. Each side has a weakness. Admit your own shortcomings. Don't put a lot of energy into defending your weakest position. Take responsibility for the problem and then quickly focus on a solution.

Learning how to have difficult conversations and crucial confrontations as a part of open and honest communication is an essential skill and responsibility for employees and their bosses. The end result can be improved relationships and performance as a critical part of a healthy and productive workplace.

About Ray B Williams
Ray B Williams is Co-Founder of Success IQ University a company based in Phoenix, Arizona providing the most innovative products and services to help professionals, entrepreneurs and business owners be more successful in life and work.
Ray is also President of Ray B Williams Associates, a company based in Vancouver B.C., providing executive coaching services.
Ray has been an executive, management consultant and coach for over thirty years, working with leaders throughout the world. He is also a Certified Hypnotherapist and Master NLP Coach. Ray has written a number of books on leadership and writes a regular column for the National Post, Canada's leading newspaper.
Ray is in demand as a speaker, coach, consultant and author throughout North America.
www.successiqu.comwww.raybwilliamsassociates.com;
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